Mantra for Reentry

Three days now I have been home from Argentina. I have so many, many things to think about. So many things I should be thinking about. When I sit still and silent the thoughts rage around in my head in a million different directions, like listening to all the dialogue at a crowded party simultaneously. So many, many things to think about. So much uncertainty that it instantly makes me fearful, makes me feel small and helpless. I am afraid to sit still and silent with my raging thoughts. I am in the crossroads now and I kinda feel like I am standing in the middle, waiting to be hit. I don’t know from which direction the blow will come. I don’t know yet how the injuries will lay themselves down along my body, bleed their way into my mind. But I feel as though I am waiting, almost calling to that unseen truck to come hurtling at me through the night.

I know that I must sit still with my thoughts in order to bite back the fear. I must let the fear overtake me, to sit awash in the raging current of my thoughts and wait for clarity to emerge from the chaos. I must take action deliberately, consciously. I must not rush things, must not push myself too hard in one direction now. One day at a time. One step at a time. One single second following after another. Everything undertaken with an almost painstaking consciousness. All this or I will fall. I will fall into the swirling chaos of my fear and be lost; lose my precious, hard-won foothold on my future.

I will not give in. I will not settle. I will not demean myself or make myself feel less worthy. I will not be afraid of the possibility of failure. I will not compare myself to others. I will wait at the crossroads for now. But I will wait for clarity and direction, not disaster. I am not a disaster. I am a work in progress. I am progressing. Every day, one day at a time.

Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe. This rising panic is not your true voice. This rising panic is a false path. This self-doubt is merely temptation. This fear is only a lack of confidence. Remember your ten reasons- beautiful, strong, inspirational, actionable… Believe in yourself, and be free. Believe in yourself and be strong. Believe in yourself and inspire others to do the same.

Breathe, breathe, breathe. This life, this place, this possibility: is beautiful. It is a gift to you. It is precious. Look around you: see the tall, green trees with their whispering needles. Feel the cool winter air. Hear the voices of your loving family. Relish the novelty of loose-leaf tea, cheddar cheese, bagels. All these things and more you did not have a week ago. Relish the novelty of inner strength, self-love, independence. All these things and more are new too. You are free, you are beautiful, you are a work in progress; progressing toward a brighter, clearer future.

Breathe, breathe, breathe. You are working toward a goal. A good goal. A wonderful goal. A goal that you would die for. Loving life: this is your ultimate goal. Do not forget- never, never forget- that each moment is a step in this direction. Your purpose is simply this- love yourself, love your life, love others. What strength in this future! Be patient, be kind, be loving to yourself and this life will materialize before you, no matter how many times you move. Patience, kindness, love. Patience, kindness, love.

One day at a time.

Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe.

Repeat.