Ten Things to Remember

Even though I've now been Stateside for two weeks, I'm not sure when to end this blog. Sure, it started out as a chronicle of my life in Argentina, but it has become a chronicle of me. I still find it therapeutic to write something here every week. I also feel like I'm still living in a sort of no-man's land between my life in Argentina and my struggle to build a new life here. I still feel so disconnected, so disoriented by my daily existence as I try to find a place for myself. How do I fit into the lives of my family and friends? They all seem so established, so purposeful. In contrast, I feel like an unmoored boat, drifting with the currents in the bay, waiting to either smash up against the rocks or find a slip all my own.

It hasn't been an easy week for me. The onslaught of job searching means that I've been applying to five places a day, sending my meticulously worded cover letters and resumes out into the wide, unforgiving, recession-depressed world of prospective employers. With each one, I feel a little tug of hope leave me, and by the end of the week, I feel drained. I've always found it difficult, sometimes nearly impossible, to stay balanced and healthy while job searching. Last night, I had a breakdown, raged and cried for awhile, and then headed out into the swirling snow flurries to watch The KIng's Speech all by myself. At the time, I wished I wasn't alone. Despite my physical isolation in Argentina, I've never felt more isolated from my friends and family than I do right now. But I learned a few things last night. Ten things I want to remember in the future, and share with you right now.

Ten Things to Remember:

1. These things take time. All things take time to blossom. All things whither in the fall. Life is good and bad, and constantly changing.

2. It’s only one rejection. And she was nice enough to take the time to write back to you. Hold that in your heart as an example of the good in the world, not the evil.

3. You are not a disaster. Neither are you a stunning success- in any way- but you are NOT a disaster. Some people, they just have a harder path through life.

4. What hurts most? Betrayal of your relationships? The hardships of finding success in a career? The inconvenience of living at home? The feelings of inadequacy when measured against others? Figure that out- what hurts most? Then answer this: what do I feel like I can fix? Try to balance the two. Tackle something not-so-huge and not-so-small. Be actionable in what you can. Let the others be until you can either tackle them better or they work themselves out.

5. There must be plan for you. Maybe your time just hasn’t come yet. Do you believe that change is coming? Do you believe that there will be a new world order in your lifetime? Yes? Then answer this: wouldn’t you rather be incredibly successful, find love, help others, in THAT world? If you had all those things now, maybe you would risk losing them when the great change comes. Keep doing what you believe, and wait for the world to suit you better. No? Then stop making risky decisions. Start thinking safe. What career will make me comfortable? What job can I get right now? What type of person do I think I can trust? This is the art of settling gracefully. How important is it to you to be comfortable NOW? Can happiness wait? For how long?

6. You made these decisions. Some of them may have felt out of your control, but you made other, preceding decisions that brought you to that point. Own it. Your choices, your path.

7. Sometimes people don’t know how to interact with you, so they don’t. It’s not personal; it doesn’t mean they don’t care. Everyone has their own way of helping a person in need. Look for the signs of caring and love in everyone’s interactions. Broaden your perspective to see all the little things. Even if you are feeling in need of something bigger, sometimes the little things add up to something larger.

8. Don’t make a daily routine of buying things. Avoid the urge to purchase. Think: Do I really need it? How long will I use it? How often? Is it an improvement/replacement for something I already own? Does it really need to be replaced? Do not let the mindlessness of consumerism fill in the empty spaces in your life. Fill those spaces with what you REALLY need. Love? Go on dates. Friendship? Make it a priority and look forward to it when the opportunity presents itself; don’t dwell on all the missed connections. Work? Find a way to volunteer close to home. Exercise? Do it! Move! Vary your routine. Don’t get bored!

9. Eliminate negative energy from your life. Sometimes it’s painful, but you must try. Talk to the people in your life about their impact on you. Good? Tell them how much you enjoy being around them. Bad? Tell them the ways they are hurting your positive outlook.

10. You do not have to play the victim to be noticed. You can be strong, confident, and well-balanced. The victims may get all the attention now, but you don’t have to feel so hurt by it. People come to you for solutions, not just problems.

I hope these ten things help someone else out there who might be feeling a little disconnected, drained, or hopeless. My love to all.

Mantra for Reentry

Three days now I have been home from Argentina. I have so many, many things to think about. So many things I should be thinking about. When I sit still and silent the thoughts rage around in my head in a million different directions, like listening to all the dialogue at a crowded party simultaneously. So many, many things to think about. So much uncertainty that it instantly makes me fearful, makes me feel small and helpless. I am afraid to sit still and silent with my raging thoughts. I am in the crossroads now and I kinda feel like I am standing in the middle, waiting to be hit. I don’t know from which direction the blow will come. I don’t know yet how the injuries will lay themselves down along my body, bleed their way into my mind. But I feel as though I am waiting, almost calling to that unseen truck to come hurtling at me through the night.

I know that I must sit still with my thoughts in order to bite back the fear. I must let the fear overtake me, to sit awash in the raging current of my thoughts and wait for clarity to emerge from the chaos. I must take action deliberately, consciously. I must not rush things, must not push myself too hard in one direction now. One day at a time. One step at a time. One single second following after another. Everything undertaken with an almost painstaking consciousness. All this or I will fall. I will fall into the swirling chaos of my fear and be lost; lose my precious, hard-won foothold on my future.

I will not give in. I will not settle. I will not demean myself or make myself feel less worthy. I will not be afraid of the possibility of failure. I will not compare myself to others. I will wait at the crossroads for now. But I will wait for clarity and direction, not disaster. I am not a disaster. I am a work in progress. I am progressing. Every day, one day at a time.

Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe. This rising panic is not your true voice. This rising panic is a false path. This self-doubt is merely temptation. This fear is only a lack of confidence. Remember your ten reasons- beautiful, strong, inspirational, actionable… Believe in yourself, and be free. Believe in yourself and be strong. Believe in yourself and inspire others to do the same.

Breathe, breathe, breathe. This life, this place, this possibility: is beautiful. It is a gift to you. It is precious. Look around you: see the tall, green trees with their whispering needles. Feel the cool winter air. Hear the voices of your loving family. Relish the novelty of loose-leaf tea, cheddar cheese, bagels. All these things and more you did not have a week ago. Relish the novelty of inner strength, self-love, independence. All these things and more are new too. You are free, you are beautiful, you are a work in progress; progressing toward a brighter, clearer future.

Breathe, breathe, breathe. You are working toward a goal. A good goal. A wonderful goal. A goal that you would die for. Loving life: this is your ultimate goal. Do not forget- never, never forget- that each moment is a step in this direction. Your purpose is simply this- love yourself, love your life, love others. What strength in this future! Be patient, be kind, be loving to yourself and this life will materialize before you, no matter how many times you move. Patience, kindness, love. Patience, kindness, love.

One day at a time.

Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe.

Repeat.