A Little Optimism

Today is my 77th day officially smoke-free. Of all my accomplishments here in Argentina, I have to say I think I am most proud of my ongoing quit. Of course, I am starting to experience some of the benefits of better health, including more stamina and stronger lungs. I have even begun to experience a truly out of character inclination to go for a run. What is happening to me? I have ALWAYS hated running. Yet most of my family, particularly my father and sister, incorporate running as a central part of their lives. Does my hatred of the activity really originate in some personality trait, or is it simply a result of my conflicting love affair with cigarettes?

It is amazing to observe the many changes in your life when you remove a negative element. Our bad habits, fears, prejudices, and self-confidence issues are really no different from my smoking. They are all just negative elements in our lives that we desperately need to remove, whether we realize it or not. Like a cancer, these negative elements spread unknowingly, until they infect so many different aspects of our lives that it seems impossible to ever extricate them. But it's not impossible! It is difficult and it requires a lot of love for yourself, but with time and patience it is entirely possible.

As I near my 3 month mark of smoking cessation, I feel that this underlying lesson is perhaps an even greater gift than higher lung function or a new-found interest in running. It is also very complementary to other important lessons I have learned here, on this crazy adventure. They all culminate in this one shocking realization: In the end, almost anything (and maybe everything) is possible if you can learn to love yourself.

Last night, after a long day cruising the Parana/Plata River Delta in Tigre, I watched a screening of Hedwig and the Angry Inch. This fantastic, funny, and often disturbing film features a song entitled "The Origin of Love." It narrates an old creation myth which states that in the beginning, the two sexes were united in one single body, creating a perfect balance within each of us and eliminating the need to go searching the world for love. It's a good song in a good film, and I recommend it highly. But it is also a great illustration of what I think most of us have lost: self-love and the balance it provides.

I am hopeful that along with balance and a sense of peace, a greater focus on self-love might also help me realize a stronger purpose in my life, find healthier ways to care for my body and make better decisions, and allow me to love others more fully and less selfishly.

I have just 23 days remaining in Argentina. As this crazy adventure comes to a close, I realize that I feel more open and free, even more than when I came. Despite the unexpected heartbreaks, tiny tragedies, and terrible stress of this trip, I do think I got what I originally wanted out of my experience here. I came to Argentina wanting to fall more deeply in love, to live more passionately, and to participate in the world more fully. In the end, I think I have done all of these things, but certainly not in the way I envisioned when I was planning this adventure.

Like my path to smoke-free living, I know that learning to love myself will be a rocky path, full of old temptations and insecurities that "trigger" self-loathing and self-destruction. But like my increased lung function, there are so many little (and great) benefits along the way that I feel optimistic about my odds.