Co-Dependency in an Empty Bed

It is not customary for me to write a new post after so recently (barely two days) completing my last one, but I am bored, lonely and somehow suffering from insomnia despite my grueling week. I should be sleeping, but instead I'm writing.

So what to write about? I don't honestly have much to say tonight. This is the fifth night in a row that I've slept by myself and the bed seems big and cold. I'm bummed out, trying to plan a fun activity for myself tomorrow- solo. I should be excited that it is Saturday, I'm free, and I can go anywhere I want. I am in a strange, open country and it is finally warm enough to spend extended periods outdoors. But I feel blue, nonetheless. And this realization makes me feel even more blue, because it leads to an even more upsetting revelation: I think I've become one of those "couple" travelers. You know the ones; that cute couple who never ventures out alone, who look at each other to finish sentences and leftover food. Who only make friends with other couples and never like to entertain. Yeah, I think I'm one of THOSE.

Sure, it sucks to travel alone after you get used to having a partner. Its sooo nice to know you have someone to watch your back, and your bags when you have to use the tiny, dirty, bus terminal bathroom. Its wonderful to have someone else who can tell your stories, explain your background and travel itinerary, and just talk when you are too tired. And here, especially, its wonderful to travel with a man and avoid sticky (potentially scary) situations when you get invited out by a horde of restless men or end up in a shared dorm with six guys all scratching their balls through exefficio boxer shorts in the morning. It's nice to avoid the inevitable creepy tricks and undercurrent of sexual conquest that always seem to haunt the lone female traveler.

And yet, I am an independent woman! I have traveled across the Indian subcontinent all by my lonesome, and made good friends along the way. I have lived in foreign cities, I have gotten lost (and found my way home), disentangled myself from leering men, navigated a crowded rush-hour subway, all without the aid of a partner. I am good at planning adventures, making friends. Why should this be so hard for me now? I guess co-dependency is catching, and highly addictive.

So here is my vow for the weekend: I WILL be an independent traveler and I will experience something new on my own. Even if it is a small trip, I feel I must break this cycle of loneliness that is so obviously of my own making. As I read on Sabi's facebook today: "Loneliness is a state of mind. It's not about finding the right person, it's about becoming the right person." Even though I am blessed with a partner who assuages my feelings of loneliness AND finishes my leftovers, I need to become my own counsel, my own best friend. So tonight, I will sleep in the middle of this big bed, spread-eagle and unapologetically hogging all the covers...